Damaged
by Koken
Summary: Tucker experiences sudden memory loss and severe pain, but as he starts to remember he remembers some things he's not sure he wants to. ArcherxReedxTucker, Lemons, Limes, Super Fruit! Yeah...that's plural people.


**Disclaimer:** I don't own these characters, I don't own Star Trek Enterprise, I don't own my house, I don't own my car, I don't own my pants. Where…are my pants?

**Warning: **Sexual Content…I repeat Sexual Content. Lemons and Limes are my kind of fruit, and if you ain't cool with that turn around now. This is not a fic for the kiddies! You really shouldn't be showing this to children, not right, they could get damaged! Then they would turn out like me, we all know we don't need no more me's runnin around this crazy world, now ain't that right!

Anyway…I digress…the story…here you go.

Damaged

I am sitting at a table, there is food in front of me, and I feel kinda woozy, like there is something that just happened to me that I can't quite remember. I blink hard and look up at the people at the table. I gulp hard and I don't remember what they were just saying. But that is only the first thing that I notice. I look up at the man across from me, and there is a sweeping sense of calm and I feel like I can trust this person, maybe it is his eyes, or his smile, but it is friendly. His sandy blonde hair and his caring face seem so familiar, only I don't recognize him. I don't know him at all. I watch his bright green eyes fill with concern as he looks at me.

"Trip?" He asks and I don't really know why he is talking about falling over, but I certainly understand the look on his face. I glance to my right and I feel my heart jump because I have no idea where I am. I don't recognize the table or chairs or the small sparse wall, but I do know what is out that window. Stars. I'm in space. I stand up, my chair falling behind me and I feel my chest tightens. I'm in space? I feel a hand on my shoulder and I spin, a shorter man with dark hair and square jaw steadies me.

"Commander Tucker?" He asks, and this time I know he must be addressing me. I struggle to breathe. I don't feel threatened really, but everything in the back of my mind tells me this man has the capacity to be very dangerous and I feel a fear surge through me as I can so easily picture him holding a phase pistol, but I don't know if that is real or if I am only imagining it. I can't remember. I can't remember.

I shake off his hand and take another step back, fear curling through me like a snake around my organs. They move toward me and I suddenly feel like there is no air. "Stop…Stop…Stay back…." I stammer as I press up against the wall, looking at the taller man as he reached out and grabbed the younger man's arm, gently leading him back.

"Malcolm, give him some space." The older one said, his voice obviously a command.

I look closer. Uniforms. They are wearing uniforms. I don't know what they mean though. I look at their collars, and notice the smaller man has less dots and I can only assume it means the taller one is in charge. A higher rank. I feel … uneasy. "Who are you?"

I watch the younger man blink with surprise. The old one has a distinct crease on his forehead as he looks at me. This isn't something they are expecting. "WHO ARE YOU!" I yell, panic surging up inside me. "How did I get on a star ship?"

They look at me like I have two heads and I don't know what to do. I don't know what to tell them. I feel my body start to shake, I feel panic surging through my stomach again and I know I'm going to throw up. Evidently the older one knows precisely what my problem is as he reaches out and grabs the almost empty serving bowl and hand it to me with an easy confidence. I take it just in time to loose my food on the remnants of scrambled eggs lining the bowl. I have no idea what I ate, but my world is a little fuzzy and before I know it I feel my knees smack into the floor, I loose more of my stomach into the bowl eyes closing. This time I feel a pair a hands on me but I don't have any will to fight them. "Who am I?" I ask, voice soft and scared as I loose consciousness.

-0-

I wake up this time, not simply becoming aware of myself and I hear a loud overwhelming pitch of sound coming in from my left ear. I try and roll away from it but something holds my shoulder down. "It's allright Commander, the ringing will stop in just a second, if you could just hold still for me while I finish getting these readings."

It dawns on me very slowly that I don't recognize this voice, which doesn't really surprise me since I don't seem to be having good luck recognizing anyone. I make an effort however to open my eyes and look at whose speaking. "AH!" I scream like a sissy little girl yanking away from the alien on top of me. My eyes are wide and I know they must be hot with fear because I swear I can smell it on myself.

"Trip…Trip …Calm down…calm down. I feel a hand on my chest and look up. It's dark hair. He has a soothing voice in an odd accent. I realize somewhere in the back of my muddy head that I heard his name. Before, the tall one, he had said it. But that doesn't seem to matter as the alien comes closer.

"What's going on!" I blurt, my heart racing as I feel a pinch on my neck and I hear a hiss. Suddenly it's all black again.

-0-

This time when I come to I'm almost alone. Only three people are in the room this time. The two men I saw first. The tall guy and dark hair and now there is a woman. She's Asian with dark hair and she is very pretty. My eyes fix on her and I watch her smile softly at me. She stirs something in me. A familiarity, a protectiveness, but not somehow what I feel for her, the familiar feeling for her isn't as innately strong as it is for these two men. I blink hard and sit up. I gulp a little and notice that there is water on a small tray next to me. "The doctor said you would be thirsty." Her voice is sweet and soft. Feminane and kind. She is disarming, and I wonder for a moment if that is the intention, and if the intention is malicious or just because I've been fussing like a five year old child.

"Sorry..I…I know…I think" I stop there, I'm about to apologize for flipping out. For treating them like this, but I don't know who they are or what I'm doing and I just don't know what to say. So I start with that and only that. "I don't know a thing actually"

She smiles warmly at me and nods her head. "The doctor says your brain has some chemicals in it. It's blocking your ability to access your memories in any…" She tilts her head looking for words. "coherent fashion. They are all there. You'll be okay, there…is just some tests we need to run and we need to talk to you about what you remember."

I watch her, speaking very calming and carefully. I look at the tall man. He seems like he can't talk to me right now. He's looking at me and I feel like his eyes are burning my skin. I look at him, catching his bright eyes and I feel a rush of something under my skin. Just under my skin and on the tip of my tongue and under my scalp. I know there is something I'm missing but I push it down, back and to the side, and give the woman my attention. She walks up to me, reaching up and places her hand over her heart with a little smile. "I'm Ensign Hoshi Sato." She gives me a smile. I can't help but smile back. "and you are Commander Charles Tucker III, you go by Trip."

I sit and listen, while this lovely girl tells me about me. She tells me about the two people in the room. I look up at the tall man…Captain Jonathan Archer and I wonder a little how I became best friends with the Captain. Then there is Lieutenant Malcolm Reed. My friend. They are so quiet. Staring at me so hard and I feel my skin crawl. The alien, that was the doctor, I laugh softly at the idea I was scared of a friend.

"I just…One minute I was sitting at a table, no idea of who I was, and the next I am throwing up, and then there is an alien. I…I've never seen you know…a real…" I feel so embarrassed. I know there are aliens, read about them. I've read about them? Have I read about them. I feel myself sliding away, my brain fizzing and my hands move up to my head as I hear a ear splitting sound from the machines around me. Something is wrong.

I feel a hand on my shoulder, pulling me down softly as my body tries desperately to curl in on itself. I see the doctor rushing toward me and I feel my body tense at the first site of the strange denobulan. I force myself to relax. Hoshi told me this man knew me, that I knew him and now that the initial shock of seeing this new face washes over me, there is a flash in my head. Something that piggy backs on a hundred different images. The alien grinning so wide it is unnatural. I see a man with dark skin smiling with his arm around the girl Hoshi. I see a woman with deep dark endless eyes, brown hair and …pointy ears? I feel a hand on mine, I glance down. Malcolm, He's holding my hand and I feel the heat flood through me, the air in my lungs pushes out of me and I see a kiss. Him. Kissing me. Malcolm Reed kissing me. I feel my heart hiccup in my chest and I look up at his blue grey eyes as he looks at me with concern, deep overwhelming concern. I see Jon swimming in a pool, long powerful strokes cutting through the surface of the water. Someone I don't recognize. Another I don't recognize, and another. I watch memories flash through me, rocking me on my center of gravity. It stops when I hear a hiss near my left ear and the calm returns to me.

I breathe slowly and carefully, hearing only the pounding of my heart until it gives way to the doctors voice. "The combination triggered a cascade that is having a strange effect on the brain chemistry. He is experiencing a short fire of memories in his brain. He could be …smelling, seeing, hearing, or any kind of feeling of his memories in a jumbled mess instead of the right order."

I feel the hand in mine let go and I feel the people next to me back away and the doctor take their place. I look up at him. "Why did this happen? How…?"

The doctor nods and sets down his tricorder so he can look straight at me. His eyes are blue and frightening. His smile is even creeper. "You have something in your head. We think it is part of the engine exhaust system that you examined on the alien freighter. You breathed it in, and it isn't usually toxic to the them. Something you ate, mixed with the chemical and it is very hard for us to attempt clearing it out of your brain. We don't know why the other's weren't affected, but we expect it has to do with you length and quantity of exposure. Can you remember anything?"

I shift looking around. "Just. Some flashes, of faces and…places…people." I avoid looking at Malcolm for a moment, my eyes low, when I glance up, and can see he didn't miss it. I see that he didn't miss my eyes looking down and he keeps his eyes low. He looks wounded? "I don't want any of you to take this the wrong way, but…maybe I could be alone for a little while. This is … a lot of …um just a lot."

I keep my head down when I hear the tall man's voice, no Jon. His name is Jon. "Of course Trip." His clears the room with nothing but a nod and a look and I smile as the familiar sense of his calming power washes over me. I trust this man, even though I don't know him, I feel like I would lay down my life with him. I feel it rush hard toward me, the rush of images again. Jon, swimming again. Jon drinking beer. Jon laughing and screaming at a Vid screen. Jon smiles wide as he looks at me. Jon and me working on an engine. Jon and me. Jon and me. Jon and me. It's so fast I can't breathe. Phlox is there, and Jon is there. His voice is so soothing as it breaks through my world with a shattering force.

"Breathe Trip. Breathe." He says, voice deep and soothing.

Then there is was, strong like a beacon shinning through the cloudy haze of my brain. Jon and me. Jon and me naked. Jon and me naked and twisted together. Pleasure was laced through every bit of me and I couldn't breathe, there wasn't enough air it was so intense, so much and he holds me. His soft hand touches my hair and his lips are again my ear as he tells me exactly what he is telling me now. _'Breathe Trip, breathe." _

I look up at him, shock must be written in my bright blue eyes, and there is fear, concern and so much more in his hazel green eyes. Maybe it was just one time.

"I know that you are a little confused. I know that you are…scared." Jon says. "I know, your probably remembering a lot of strange and confusing things. But try and hold on. We'll fix this. We…will fix this." I feel calmer with his smile and I remember it, smashing into me uncontrollably. Jon, uncontrollably, Jon. Again and again, Jon. I breathe out. Long and slow. Maybe it was just once.

Somehow, this time it is calmer. This time, it doesn't really hurt. It hurts less. I look up when it's over and I see the doctor with his peculiar smile. Dr. Phlox. Dr. Phlox. Did I remember that before? Did anyone tell me that? Or did I remember remember. I didn't see it or hear it specifically. "What happened that time?"

"Was it better or was it worse?" He asks, watching me.

"I…" I blink hard looking around and I notice that Jon is gone.

"He left" Phlox tells me, noticing how I look around for the tall man who is completely ingrained in my mind and now he's gone. "I thought it would be best to ask him to step out. Considering he has known you for over 10 years, and that is the longest on the ship you may have a hard time keeping track of your memories around him. They were breaking through quite a bit. Why don't you get some sleep I am going to run some more tests okay?"

I nod before remembering his question. "Doctor Phlox. It was better."

He tilts his head in curiosity, "How was it better?"

"It was. It didn't hurt as much. I just kinda left for a minute there and I was back. It wasn't…so painful." I tell him and he nods.

-0-

I wake up to a still room, lights dim and through all of the medical bay with only the sound of the doctors medical zoo cooing softly in my ears. I feel less panicked this time. I kind of know where this place is. At least what Hoshi could tell me. I look up at the doctor walks in with Jon walking behind him. "Good morning Commander."

"Hey" I respond voice nervous as I look over Jon and wait for some flash of recognition to surge through me.

The doctor and Jon look at me expectantly. I wait. They wait. I'm not entirely sure what they are waiting for. The doctor eventually speaks first. "Your brain is naturally destroying the chemical that is preventing you from remembering, it will just take time. The pain you were feeling is a mix of your body's natural function and the alien mist. I have given you a different modifier that should make it better, it is a variant of the last medication I gave you and it should help to minimize the discomfort, and help your memories to come slower."

"So I just need to wait?" I ask, an eyebrow lifting in somewhat disbelief. I don't know if I can just wait around in this hospital bed waiting for my memory to come back.

Jon speaks, his voice commanding but soothing. "It will come back much more quickly if you have triggers, things that are familiar, so if you would prefer we can take you to your quarters, if you would rather let it happen slowly you can stay here."

I look at Jon, watch him closely. I know that what I had before wasn't the only thing for ten years, especially because it is all still jumbled. I want to know more. I want to know a lot more as I look at him. I wonder what he looks like naked. I wonder what he looks like in bed. As if answering my question my mind cracks a little. The haze lifting a slightly and there is a flood of images. Jon laughing naked as he falls into bed. Jon spread out on a bed, flushed and hot underneath me as I straddle his hips. Jon in the shower. Jon kissing me in the shower. My mind comes to a screeching halt on Jon, sleeping in, quiet and relaxed. Well I guess there goes the thought that maybe it was just once. I consider for just a moment if those thoughts were real or just fantasies. Maybe they were dreams.

I shift and sit up. "I think…I think I would rather know. As soon as possible Doc."

-0-

I am sitting in my room, trying to get some rest when the chime rings. I stand up stretching a little on wobbly legs from staying cooped up for so long. Thinking, reading, exploring my own stuff. I make a mental note to search out a form of working out on this boat, with the body I have it must have some sort of regular work out. I stand to greet the person at my door as I call to them "Come in."

I look up, wondering for a moment if this will be a new vistor. Although I've had plenty, there always seems to be more. This one is. She is beautiful. She is not all that tall, her short dark hair shows off her pointed ears and I know she's a Vulcan but it takes a second to register who she is. My hand flies to my head as the images pour through me like hot butter. T'Pol. Her name is T'Pol. I see her, a hundred different times with the same expression and surging with heat as she quips and argument at me. She is heat. Everything about her is heat to me. Then the touching. She touched me, used to touch me. So close. So intimate. I remember her sitting in front of me and stripping naked. Then kissing me. God the sex. Oh god the sex was incredible. Hot alien sex. I feel suddenly her hand on my neck, and it snaps me back to the present with it's realness.

I look in her dark brown eyes and part of me registers the concern there. Friendly concern. "Do you require medical attention?" She asks, very plainly, her hot fingers checking my pulse. I note the edge of concern in her voice.

"Nah" I tell her letting her hand stay on my neck. It feel s nice. But she takes it away and the memory of me on top of her comes back. She's hot. So hot. Inhumanly hot. It was amazing. "God Have I slept with everyone on this ship?"

She doesn't smile, but I hear it in her voice when she answers. "I believe there may be an ensign or two still unaffected by your charms."

I choke on my laugh and offer her a smile. "Yeah. I'll get to work on that right away"

"Would that be wise considering your current romantic relationship?" She asks me, her voice very level and serious. I stare at her for a moment, waiting. I am waiting for those words or that idea to trigger something in me. It isn't her? Is it? She couldn't be this cool and sober if we were together. No. I only slept with her once, and it was a long time ago. That I know of. There is so much missing in my head. I can feel it like a mist that is hard to wade through but I can see that the mist goes on and on. I need more information.

"I…" I swallow looking at her. "Who…" I feel her closeness connect to me, as I consider her more closely. No. She isn't it. She isn't that woman to me anymore. I know her as something different. I loved her though, always will. At some point I love her and I was so heart broken by her. And with her. Heart broken with her. I remember it like a knife in my chest. Elisabeth. Lizzy. Oh god no Lizzy. Somewhere I feel my knees hit the floor and her arms are wrapped around me. I am crying, hot burning tears on my face and in my mind. I know I am and I feel myself wanting to scream. The dreams come rushing back to me. Thrusting through my chest like a spear. My sister. Her smile. The first attack. The Xindi. The Xindi and the weapon and the people and Florida. God, the line of death through Florida. My home. The beach that was sandy between my toes and where I caught sand flea's with my little sister and then stuffed them down her bathing suit. The beach with rolling waves that I taught her how to surf, only barely knowing myself. Oh god. Lizzy. No. No. No. Anything but her.

I feel something pinch slightly in my neck and everything goes black. Completely black.

-0-

The doctor. The Doctor's voice. He's here, in my quarters? I blink hard and look up. I'm laid out on my bunk, and I find myself wondering if T'Pol put me here, her human appearance easily making me forget her strength. T'Pol is still here, she looks protective but calm. She stands in the back, giving the doctor room. Phlox is closest to me, his strange face something I am starting to get used to, I guess for the second time. Jon is here. I am not sure why. So is Malcolm and Hoshi. Hoshi is in tight fitting workout clothes and Malcolm is in low slung sweats, a tight shirt clinging to his sweaty skin. A small part of my mind registers that Hoshi's quarters are close and if there was a commotion at my door they may have stopped to see the show. Malcolm and Jon's quarters are not close. I absently wonder if it is late. If I woke these people up. The fact that I have slept with over half the people in this room is not lost on me. "I'm okay." I finally say. Voice choked. Was I …? I wipe my face and I realize to my utter embarrassment I was crying, my face still wet. "You can go…"

"Commander…" Phlox begins but I can't let him finish. I won't.

"Please. I'm fine. Just go." I ask, and my voice is rough enough that it sounds like pleading to me. I don't want to be that pathetic but at this point it is where I am. Evidently where I am again. I feel like I'm being torn apart, I look up as I watch Hoshi quickly turn and leave, then T'Pol, calmly taking her order and following it. I watch the hesitation of the doctor to leave me alone and I beat him to the punch. "Jon…" I say Jon because he is the one who has been with me for over a decade, because I remember him more than anyone else, because he's my best friend and because he pulls up no bad memories so far. I don't however, miss something I didn't expect when I glance up.

Malcolm. His blue grey eyes turn cold and his fist clench at his sides when I say Jon's name. I feel something pushing at my head but I don't, can't let it in right now. I have enough in my head in this moment alone. Lizzie. Shit. Lizzie. I turn away, not wanting to look and try and figure out the anger I see in the Lietenant. That isn't my concern right now. Nothing is my concern but me. I can't think of anything but the gulf of pain in my chest. They are waiting though. Waiting for me to say something else. "I think I've had enough visitors for today. " I roll toward the wall and let out a long ragged breath.

I feel Malcolm relax, and see him out of the corner of my eye try and step forward, but Jon's hand is on his arm and their eyes meet. Silent orders. Silent quiet orders with eyes and facial muscles that I don't see but I do see Malcolm turn and go. Jon follows him and I'm alone.

I'm alone with the pain in my chest.

-0-

I ignore every call to my door, I ignore my messages and my friends, for days, I don't know how long. I don't know how often I sleep but I don't think it is much. It makes it hard to keep track of time and I am pretty sure I've lost track completely when my door opens without my authorization. I glance up and see Malcolm step through the door with a tray of food. I don't care that I'm in noting but loose sweat pants, lost in the swallow of my chair as I watch the stars rush by. "and here I thought I locked that…"

"You did" Malcolm replies, walking to my desk where he patiently begins cleaning off space to set down the food. I don't want to eat. "The advantage of being a security officer is I can override a door lock or two."

I don't want to talk and silence settles over us. Deafening uncomfortable silence because I don't want him here. He doesn't talk. I don't talk. He leaves the dishes covered. Dishes. There are two. He pulls my desk chair next to mine and leans back, staring out with me. He just stays. Silent. I have an overwhelming urge to reach out and take his hand. A…desire to touch him. It must be the loss. The sadness so huge inside me it's like a cannon ball has ripped through my gut. "How long ago?" I ask him, because I don't know what else to talk about.

"Five years." He tells me, voice level and soft.

"God" I whisper, leaning forward and burring my face into my hands. I'm stubbly despite shaving not too long ago. Or was it a very long time ago? I don't know anymore. "It feels like yesterday. Like just a moment ago. I feel like there is a bleeding open wound in my chest…." I stop because I feel a sob inside me. Damn it I do not want to cry in front of the resident bad ass on Enterprise. He makes me feel safe though. I feel a sigh of memories slide across my mind, all minor to the concert of my grief. Malcolm and I. We're exercising, sparring, talking, eating, exploring a space station, a alien vessel, getting stuck in a shuttlepod and almost freezing to death. I feel it ease my pain a little. The knowledge. The distance between that moment and this moment becoming farther and somehow more bearable.

"I'm so sorry for your loss." He whispers, the traditional words that generally mean nothing from anyone seems to roll onto me like a gentle warmth. They mean something to me. His words mean something. I scratch my itchy chin and glance up at him, letting out a long draw of air from my lungs. He moves slowly, as if I were a deer that might spook if you move too fast. He takes one of the plates and offers it to me. A fork stuck in the pan fried catfish. I take it without another word and look out over the stars.

I don't want Malcolm to go. I need him to stay. I appreciate him not making me ask as he picks up the other plate and eats silently. Malcolm has never been a particularly chatty fellow, but neither have our interactions been prone to silence. He makes no effort to fill the void with anything untrue, or false or glaringly hopeful to a future. He's just here. With me. Right here. Right now. I breathe out and take a bite of flaky delicious breaded fish. It's good. Very good. It reminds me of home and I close my eyes to the memory of Elizabeth's scrunched eyes and turned up nose when mama served her this very dish. The memory didn't hurt so bad.

-0-

I let out a long slow breath as I stand outside the doors to the bridge. two weeks. Two weeks of flashing memories, talking to friends, reading personal logs, and now, now I'm back on duty, free and clear with only one little nagging problem. 1 month. The time of the mission. The one where I caught whatever this is, I got it and somehow I don't have any personal logs from that time either. Evidently I never copied them from the pad on the planet and I searched for it but couldn't find it.

The turbo lift door open to a swoosh and I smile at the brief burst of applause. It's good to be missed. I glance up at Jon, a smile on his face but a sadness in his green eyes. "Welcome back" he says, a hand clasping on my shoulder and I smile wide at the warmth of his hand and of the gesture.

"Thanks Cap'n" I smile and step toward my station, watching his hand pull away a little slowly. I remember that until recently I didn't know he was the Captain and just called him Jon. I take my seat at my station and set to my morning routine amongst the comfortable idol conversation of a bored bridge crew. I find it suspicious though that Jon never sits back down. By the time I'm seated and starting to pull up my messages, he is walking toward his ready room. "Commander T'Pol, you have the bridge"

She accepts it with a graceful nod but remains at her station. Space is quite today and there is no need for her to be in the chair. Maybe that is why Jon went to his ready room, because there is no reason for him to be in the chair. Or maybe it's for the same reason I haven't seen him in the last few weeks save for a moment or two. I look at Malcolm and the officer looks deep in thought but it doesn't have anything to do with the screen he isn't looking at. I put the thought that my best friend is ignoring me to the side and return to my messages, I don't want to be completely distracted, especially with only a light duty shift ahead of me.

The only thing is, it is really hard to shake that feeling like something is wrong. Jon doesn't ignore me unless something is wrong and he is certainly ignoring me now. Or he could be busy. He is the Captain of a star ship here. The moment I decide that this is all something I am making up in my head I find myself remembering another seemingly innocent instance in the last two weeks where when I enter a room he leaves. What could I have done to make him avoid me?

I almost don't notice it through my musing, but as I move to close the message program I notice something somewhat unusual. It's a saved message, one I haven't sent yet. I don't usually write message and save drafts unless I am nervous or the message is official. I examine the date and do the math. It's from one of the days I don't remember. I open it, bracing myself for the last of the fog to clear, triggered by whatever this message might be, but the fog remains, thick and specific in my mind. I stare at the message, as if someone else typed it.

_To: J. Archer, M. Reed. _

_Yes._

I smile a little to myself. Articulate aren't I? I wonder why I didn't send it, and I absently wonder what I did send. Searching back to the date I dig through the engineering reports, the Starfleet updates and the maintenance requests until I find what I am looking for, a no subject message from Jon.

_To: C. Tucker_

_Do you have an answer?_

_ -Jon_

I look perplexed at the monitor for a few moments, before tracing the message to for the response I sent. Evidently I didn't tell him yet.

_ To: J. Archer, M. Reed. _

_ I'll see you at breakfast. _

_ -Trip. _

It seems odd to me that Jon's message was to me, but my response was to both Jon and Malcolm. "What's that?" comes the oddly level British accent from behind me. I glance over my shoulder at him. He's nervous? He always suppresses his fear a touch too much and he always ends up sounding flat when he is nervous. I glance back at the screen. Something about this message is putting him on edge. Now I won't be able to shake this curiosity.

"Just looking up some messages, checking to see if I can remember that last few weeks." I tell him, watching his dark features and chiseled face very carefully.

He nods, dead pan, voice flat and giving nothing away. Trip: 0, Malcolm: 1 "Anything?"

I stand to throw him off balance, stepping into his personal space, but there is no crack. Trip: 0, Malcolm: 2. Is he afraid of what I will find? Is he trying to let me remember it on my own? Does…he not want me to remember? "No. Still don't remember a thing."

He nods and says nothing. No positive. No negative. There is no sigh of relief and there is no answers. Damn Trip: 0, Malcolm: 3. I should try Jon. I can read him a lot better.

-0-

After lunch a find an excuse to enter Jon's ready room. He is sitting at his desk, his back slumped slightly from being there for far too long, the only time I see his posture falter. I watch him straighten to look at me, his back popping back into place and I recognize the subtle relief cross his creased features. The bones and muscles felt sore from being so still and the moment of relief was on his face plain as day. Yes. Over a decade with this man, and I'll have better luck reading him.

"Hey Cap'n, I have a request for some parts" I tell him, immediately taking a seat across from him, and leaning forward to set the padd on the edge of his desk but making no indication toward leaving. I watch the subtle sign on apprehension pass over him.

He picks up the device and looks it over. Hoping there is a reason on that list that I am making myself comfortable. He won't find one. He presses some buttons. "This shouldn't be a problem Trip." He turns back to his station, pressing a button or two. A not so subtle way of telling me I can go without rudely dismissing me. That isn't however what I plan to do.

"Jon?" I ask, letting him know I don't want this to be a professional conversation. "Do you have a sec?" Ball in his court. I wonder how fast he is running from me? Will he dodge me? Or talk to me?

"Yeah" He responds, turning back to me, his expression open but still relatively professional. Stiff. He's hiding something. "What's up?" Trip: 1, Jon: 0

I scratch my newly shaven cheek, a ghost of itch remaining from my recent hiding of myself. "I still don't remember the away mission and that month after. But even stranger, I don't have my personal log."

He nods and shrugs, avoiding a real answer. "A month isn't too bad in the overall scheme of things," He can't even look me in the eye. "Phlox has reported there isn't any permanent damage. Maybe they just won't come back." I watch his shoulders move toward his classic guilt posture and his eyes stay far away from mine.

I know I am staring him down. I am pressuring him. But we both know he is hiding something. "What happened Jon?" I keep my voice soft, a plea and a request, not an angry demand.

He lets out a slow draw of breath but stops it. He's not ready to break for me, but he does bend. Trip: 2, Jon: 0 "You personal log was on a padd, I'm sure you just left it behind or something."

Behind. Behind on the planet? Then I would have entered logs when I was back on enterprise into my account. No. I left it behind somewhere on the ship. I left it behind….and he found it. "Did you read it Jon?"

He looks at me with a mixture of shock, awe and fear. I crack a smirk. Damn I'm good. Trip: 3, Jon: 0 "In my defense" he says quickly not able to stop himself before the words are out. "you told me to."

Game Point. Trip: 4, Jon: 0. "What the hell man? Why didn't you give it back to me!" I let my calm break. All the confused hurt and betrayal I am feeling bubbles to the surface as I stand. Jon played me. I watched me flounder for two weeks. I watch him close his eyes. This wasn't a choice he made lightly.

"Trip, it's not that simple." He tries to tell me.

"To hell it is. Jon, that is my log." I wait, but he just looks at me, his eyes sad and guilty, but the thing that I find most shocking is he isn't moving. He isn't handing it over. I guess I have to say the obvious. "I want it back Cap'n."

His voice is soft. Regretful. "No. You don't."

"What?" I ask, my sails fallen flat as all the air slides out of me. He said that like he knew. He isn't volunteering information. He has his eyes stuck to the desk, his body still and tight with distress. "Where did I leave it?"

"My quarters" He answers, thinking the answer not to terribly innocuous.

I sit back down. "When did I tell you that you could read it?" This time he shifts and shrugs. Guilt. "I didn't really tell you to read it."

"No. Not in so many words." He confessed with a sigh. "I only read the last page. The part that was open when I turned the pad on. It was on my desk. I thought it was mine. I only read the last page." I hear the stress in his voice. He wanted to read more. He wanted to read a lot more, but he only read the last page. I wonder absently how many times he read it. 1? 10? 20?

"Must have been one pretty bad page if you don't want me to remember writing it." I tell him rubbing my hands nervously on my knees.

He turns, searching through the pads to his right, he picks one up and turns it on. He presses the screen, starting the recording in a specific place. He presses play. It's always strange to hear your own voice, but it is completely disconcerting to hear it when you don't remember speaking the words. My voice is full of frustration. Full of anger and pain and confusion. I'm torn apart and anxious about something. _"I wish I could just forget. Forget all of it and put the genie back in the bottle." _

I lean back, letting silence ring in the air. Jon holds onto the padd with an iron grip as if he expects me to take it and he plans to fight me for it. "Guess I should be careful what I wish for huh?"

He nods and hesitates before looking at me. "I didn't mean to read it. No one meant for this to happen to you. But what happened …I can't put my genie back in the bottle. But yours is back. All you have to do is let it go and you never have to open it again." He is almost pleading, and hurt? Confused. My Jon radar is failing me here. It's too complicated to just guess at this point.

I nod and rake my fingers through my hair. "Malcolm?" The only other person on the away mission. The only other person who might know.

"I asked him to honor this request, as well" Jon says, indicating the padd.

I nod silently, not sure what to do now. I don't have the answers I wanted, but by all accounts I won the conversation. Now I wasn't sure I wanted to win. Whatever happened, I wanted to forget. I wonder what kind of pain that missing month caused me. A month. What could be so bad in a month. Although, Lizzie only took an instant. I stand and walk toward the door numbly. I stop and turn. Looking at Jon, teeth gnawing at my lip. "Can I hear it again?" I ask, and watch him tap the screen and play it again.

" _I wish I could just forget, Forget all of it and put the genie back in the bottle." _

I nod and let out a slow breath. What else can I say to that? "I'll get back to my station."

Jon relaxed visibly as he sets the padd down and stands, coming around the desk to stand next to me. "Your shift is over for the day. Doctor's order's remember?" I nod and he catches my eyes again. He can't resist fussing up, and I appreciate his honesty. "I won't avoid you…forever…I just." He lets out a low breath. "If you really want it back, all you have to do is ask. It's not my place to fill in that month for you."

I crack a smile. Clasping Jon's shoulder. "Relax. I don't understand in the slightest. But your doing the right thing." I shrug. "I think."

He laughs softly and stands there as I go. I can't help but feel like I've put him in an awkward position. I by pass my station and walk toward the turbo lift, glancing up to the Armory officer as he peeks over his consul at me. There is the slightest hint of tension in his jaw, the rest is flat. I watch him resist the urge to stand and walk into Jon's ready room the moment I leave. I have to respect him for his self control.

I return to my quarters, mind still churning over my conversation with the Captain. Something happened. Something I didn't want to remember. Something I wished could be taken back and somehow I got my wish and yet I couldn't help but want to know. My entire body was eating away at itself in curiosity. I tried laying down but I just tossed and turned. I don't blame them for not telling me sooner. I wish I could forget I wanted to forget. The suspense is killing me. I glance up at the clock. Jon wasn't even off duty yet. Was I really ready to disregard my own warning and read the log. I walk over to my bunk and look up at the picture of my sister.

If I could forget her death…would I? It's not really I hard decision. No. To forget her death I'd have to ignore her. The part of her death that is so heart breaking is she won't be there to tease me about turkey next thanksgiving. She won't send me pictures of a building she designed and a secret room that she made just for me and her like a game only she gets to play because I don't design buildings.

I look at her smile, my arm wrapped around her shoulder in the picture. I don't want to forget the pain this picture causes me. The pain is real. The pain is a culmination of years of loving my little sister. Whatever happened in that month, I want to know. It's changed my relationship with Jon and made Malcolm extremely uncomfortable around the both of us. Maybe I can fix it, or at least be appropriately upset. I guess on principle I understand what Jon is doing. But I also want to know what I said yes to. Why didn't I send that message? Why did I just say I would meet them. I have the deepest feeling in the pit of my stomach that if I don't find out I'll never be okay. Also that the universe was firmly against one Charles Tucker III.

-0-

When I press the chime to Jon's ready room it takes him a moment to answer. I assume at first he's just busy working, but when I walk in Malcolm is standing his arms crossed. He stiffens at the site of me, and his eyes glance to Jon uncomfortably. Great. Now I really wanna know what I did. "Sorry to interrupt." I walk up to Jon, a hold out my hand. He knows what I want, but he doesn't hand it over right away.

He picks up the right padd and taps it against his other hand standing slowly. "Are you sure?" He asks, looking at me and begging me to reconsider.

"Yes." I tell him not moving my hand and not faltering as he hands me the palm gently. I take it with confidence and nods at him, then at Malcolm, but he looks like he wants to say something. He doesn't of course, he just lets me go with my log.

-0-

Here's the hard part. The part where I read this and remember and I am suddenly nervous. I sit down on my bunk, smoothing my sweaty palms down my uniform and opening the first entry on the pad. The first entry is pretty basic. We went down to the planet and I talk about notes in the engineering systems of their state of the art buildings. There are precise environmental control's in their embassy. I find it very interesting, as I obviously did the first time.

_I am a little surprised that with their continuous outlook on the comfort of their guests, they put us in one room, with one bed. Unfortunately it might be due to the resort's popularity because when we requested another room, but there wasn't one. _

I closed my eyes and I feel the mist clear a little in my head. I remember recording this log. I remember the room. I remember arriving and some of the things about the building, but then there is nothing. There are no images or smells. Just a degraded ghost of a thought that may or may not be a memory. I look down at the page and blink hard. In the next few pages the words sound like me but I have no thoughts of recording them at all. I flip through the personal logs. Damn. They aren't quite personal enough. I report on my experiences without Jon and Malcolm. When they were doing something else. I feel like there is something missing. I watch my words scroll across the screen. We were there for weeks. Four week sleeping in the same bed as Jon and Malcolm. Something must have happened, and yet the only thing I talk about here is business. Honestly my stomach flutters at the very thought of Malcolm and Jon and I together, in bed, I wait for the memory but it is slow and hesitant.

I close my eyes taking a deep breath. Somehow I have to push for this memory. I let out a low breath and dig, but it's fuzzy. I remember Malcolm underneath me, looking up at me with admiring, hot grey blue eyes, his hand wrapped around my aching heat and pulling slowly. His hand feels good, his touch hot. He's not the only one touching me. I feel a surge of the remembered sensation of Jon inside me. God he felt good, moving with shallow slow thrusts, driving me slowly into Malcolm's hand. His lips on my neck, breath rushing over my collar bone with gentle seductive heat. His hands are on me, tender and amazing stroking across my chest and stomach as I lean back against him. I remember the feeling of it, pleasure laced with a gentle touch. The one moment in my head is amazing, but it's all I have. I groan leaning back against the wall of my bunk, replaying the moment in my head hoping to get more, but I don't. All I have is this one perfect moment, in fuzzy detail. I concentrate playing it over and over. Jon's rhythmic breath on my neck, Malcolm's tongue swiping across his lips as he twists his wrist and gets my groan in response as they make me feel like I haven't in ages.

I sigh and push against my temples. No matter how hard I try I can't get any more. It's just that image. A great wonderful moment, that already has me hard in my uniform, but I know there is more. I concentrate on remembering a kiss. I loved kissing Jon and suddenly when I try to remember what I remember is Malcolm. The kiss. I know this kiss. The kiss I remembered when Malcolm touched my hand. The dark haired man surges forward as I turn and grabs my hand. He pulls me to him, stretching up and kissing me. His compact tense body is flush against me with a hot insistence as his fingers lace into my hair. I feel surprise rush through me. I did not see that kiss coming. His firm grip on his hand slips into something more tender as his kisses me, his lips warm and entrancing. That was our first kiss.

I sigh, this is all so out of order and so confusing, and oh so hot. I wish it would be stronger, faster so I could fill in the blanks. I suddenly remember Phlox. He gave me something. I absently wondering if it is still working. It's been….weeks. I'm not gonna take any chances, I need to talk to him. I stand quickly and gulp, trying to clear my mind enough for the heat in my pants to cool down.

-0-

Sick bay is quite when I walk in, but the lights are on and I'm sure that Phlox is around somewhere. "Hey Doc?" I call when I see his back, and watch him turn, greeting me with his bright strange smile.

"Why hello Mr. Tucker. What can I do for you this afternoon?" He asks, walking toward one of the biobeds with the expectation I need treatment. He scans me, looking for plasma burns, or something from my duty today. I can almost see the lecture about 'light duty' as he spins it in his head.

I smile, walking over but I don't sit down. I lean my hip against the bed. "I was wondering about the inhibiter you gave me, for the memories coming back."

He nods, stretching and touching his belly in his classic way he does. I smile because I recognize the action and remember seeing him do it a million times and that is something to smile about. "Ah, what about it?"

I shrug, "I'm still having trouble with the time down on the planet. I don't really remember it and even reading my personal log I feel like there is a….fog…holding down my memories, and I was wondering if maybe your inhibitor was still working?"

"Oh." He says softly eyes wide and nods. "Well, yeah, I gave you another dose on your last check up, to make sure it would keep you pain free." I can give you something to clear it out of your system, but if your memories surface they could be overwhelming…"

"Yeah, I think it'd rather have them back. I mean, I can tell there aren't that many left and they can't hurt that badly." I tell him eyes a little down as I press at the arch of my nose. "I feel like I am missing something big, and if there is any discomfort I can always come right back."

The doctor nods. "Alright then. If you insist." He slips off to his cabinets to load a hypo spray with the proper ingredient before coming over to me. I feel a little apprehension rush through me at the idea of those first few moments. It hurt to remember, but there wasn't much left to remember, and just a little fog is in my brain. I want to remember. "Although I must warn you, the chemicals in your brain may have left damage."

"What do you mean?" I ask, shifting uncomfortably on my feet.

Phlox looks at me with that familiar look of pity. "We havn't identified the cause, and especially directly after the time you were affected, are going to be that parts of your mind most effected by the chemical, you may never get all those memories back."

I let out a long breath. "That may be true but I can feel um doc. Somethin's, sittin' there that I can't get back. I need…I just need to remember."

He nods, holding the hypospray out to my neck and I hear the hiss of it rush against my skin. I take a deep breath and smile at the doctor. I can feel a headache surge through my brain and the fog threaten to clear immediately, but I hold onto it. "Thanks doc."

"Maybe you stay for observation?" Phlox asks, voice doubtful, already knowing my answer.

"I'll be fine." I tell him walking out of sickbay with confidence I don't necessarily feel at the moment. Sickbay is on the same floor as the officer's quarters so I don't have substantially far to go, but I do feel a strike of pain creeping into my head. Oh this hurts. I let out a deep breath and take another two as I walk toward my quarters. Not for the first time, I wish there was a shorter way to get to my hallway. I know I'm stumbling by the time I reach the cubby off the hall outside my room and my mind is throbbing with fog, begging me to let go but I don't want to just yet. It takes me three tries to punch in my code correctly and as my door swishes open as I stumble inside. My legs trip under me and I let go, a sound splitting through my ears, as the fog cracks and snaps off my mind.

I remember the trip down to the planet. I remember the days of looking through the people's technology. I remember the people. Smiling humanoids covered in colored and silver swirling lines. On their skin. I remember a woman. She is tall and slender, her hair is long and blue, and soft sky blue on pale skin, the lines of colors that slide down her sides in sleek paths. She is wearing a cream and sea foam green dress that clings to her body with soft delicious movements. I am dancing with her, and she is flirting with me heavily.

The memory is out of order. All of them are so out of order. I remember something else. I remember the room. Big bed, beautiful furnishings and soft velvet and silk furniture. A bed. The bed covered in gentle satin that caresses my skin with the same gentle heat as Jon's hand as he spreads me out. Naked and hard and ready to beg for him to take me. Instead he kisses down my chest and sinks between my legs with a sexy, sexy shimmy and I close my eyes as he takes my length in his mouth. It is incredible. He is hot and wet and amazing, I feel like his is trying to suck my mind out through my hard cock and he is likely to succeed.

I remember walking out of the room, leaving Jon and Malcolm behind. But I forgot something inside. I turn and catch the door before it clicks shut. I open the door again to find Jon's hands on either side of Malcolm's face. Kissing. They are kissing. My heart shatters into a thousand tiny glass pieces. I don't even hesitate for a second as I walk in and grab the padd off the table by the door. I watch Jon turn quickly, shock in his wide green eyes as he sees me pick up the pad and turn, walking out before the door has time to shut completely. I don't say anything. I don't expect him to say anything.

I'm back on the floor of my quarters and I grab my aching head. Shit it hurts. I'm curled on the floor gritting my teeth and resisting the urge to scream. I try not to fight it. I try not to fight the feeling of sinking into the white haze, but I can't. It swallows me whole with a deep breath and I instead of trying to crawl out I let go. I fall.

It falls into place this time. Pain slicing through my brain and I let it. I let it and I don't fight it as this time it dumps on me in some semblance of a broken order. I recognize somewhere in my consciousness it isn't all there, but I guess most of it won't come back.

I arrive the first day and I check out the environmental systems. We have one bed. I crawl in first and fall asleep before either of them come to bed. I sleep in just my regulation blues because I didn't think about pj's. I wake up to Malcolm's arm against mine, warm and muscular. Jon's leg is tucked around mine. I feel warm and safe between them.

The next day is more engineering. I sleep with them again. Just sleep. It's the same. More of the same. Then we have dinner together. The three of us, our hosts being busy but they send us to a great restaurant that we enjoy.

Malcolm laughs at something Jon says and I realize how beautiful he is when he laughs.

The next day is more tours. When I wake up Jon is face down with an arm over me and Malcolm is on his side with his hand on my stomach. I pretend to be asleep until Malcolm wakes up and removes himself. I feel my heart beat speed up with the idea that they might be just as lonely as I am. Painfully, desperately lonely.

We have dinner, drinks, and go dancing. Malcolm wakes up with his head on my shoulder and my arm around him.

We have dinner together again, Jon wakes up hard against my hip.

We have dinner and go for a walk on their beach. Malcolm stays out of the water but me and Jon get into a splash fight. It's fun. I remember laughing as Jon tackles me like a little kid and wrestles me into the wet sand. Malcolm makes a ball of wet stuff and lobs it like a snow ball at Jon in my defense. I roll and flip him off my hips running into the surf with my already drenched clothes, diving and disappearing into the dark green waves before Jon can catch me. I surface out a ways and watch Jon's silhouetted form searching for me in the wrong place. I sneak up behind him, grabbing his legs under the water and smirking with satisfaction as he lets out a startled yelp and splashes hard into the water.

I scramble onto shore as he goes down and start to run. Jon struggles after me and turns a heated eye of disapproval on Malcolm as he laughs and starts hauling ass through the dry sand to escape the Captain's mock rage. Malcolm gets ahead, he has the advantage in shoes and unencumbered by wet clothes. Jon takes me down hard, his warm body across my back as he pins me to the ground. I call out mercy and he smacks my ass with a smile, he releases me but I stay face down in the sand a moment longer.

I'm hard. I'm really really hard. I didn't realize how much I missed fun and rough housing with Jon. I miss him. I never stopped missing him. He dumped me. Pushed me away. It doesn't matter. I breathe hard, waiting for my body to calm down because my wet clothes will give away everything.

I wake up with Malcolm spooned behind me and Jon's hand on my hip.

The next day we work, we don't see each other until we crawl into bed in the evening, all three tired to the bone. I wake up to Jon watching me, I can feel his eyes on me like hot irons, I try not to move, but eventually I have to roll away, sliding against Malcolm and pulling him closer like a pillow.

I wake up the next morning alone in bed, I sit up cracking my neck and noticing that they both woke up before me. I wonder if they found me in a compromising position this morning.

We have lunch and watch the ambassador's wives play a game of some kind. It seemed like a form of tennis involving skill and speed and aim. After 10 minutes of diplomatic talking and me and Malcolm watching the game I hear the Ambassador's voice cut through my dazed mind.

"Natalia, Mici" The two women stop playing, the smaller blonde catching the ball with a quick flick of her wrist, while the tall red head walked toward us. "Do show these gentlemen how to play while me and the Captain talk."

The redhead smiles and bows her head to his, touching their foreheads for a brief moment. "Of course."

The women cream us. Mostly because I am terrible, but Malcolm gets good pretty fast. He's quick, agile and his aim is amazing. I can get to the ball but I am lucky if I can keep the ball in play much less score some points. The women are competitive and good. I dive forward for the ball and feel myself falter on the landing. I look down for a moment, paying attention to my flailing feet rather than the ball. I feel something hit me hard, the air rushing from my lungs and Malcolm pushes me to the court, his hands protectively over my head and his chest blocking my face.

He pushed me down. I hear the woman rush over, their voices full of concern as the apologies for not seeing my lack of attention. Malcolm slides up, looking down at me with concern and fear shinning in his blue grey eyes. He was scared? It was just a ball. Just a game. It could have hit me, but it wasn't life or death. I guess being a security professional made you paranoid. Either way I like the feel of him over me. He is hot and sweaty and his shirt is clinging to him beautifully. My heart races as I gulp down my attraction to my friend. I can't deny how hot he was.

I wake up the next morning with Malcolm's arm possessively griping my chest, his arm holding my back tight to his chest and his nose hot on my neck. He's holding me possessively like he's scared to loose me and I wonder what he dreamed about. I also wonder when cuddling became perfectly normal for the three of us.

We have three days left on the planet surface and tonight I want to see a movie. They have that kind of entertainment here, we go to see a suggestion that the ambassador gives Jon. He asks for something mainstream and exemplifying their most popular experience and the ambassador agrees to find something and have it subtitled in English. I'm excited that they even have snacks.

Predictably the romantic interest in the movie is between two men and one woman, reiterating the theme of multiple partners we've witnessed for weeks. There is action and adventure and the movie is very similar to our entertainment. There is an adventure involving a kidnapping and shuttle dog fighting and the obligatory scene where the hero and the heroin…and well…the other hero… get together. This time however it didn't stop with kissing and well placed camera angles. None of us expected the film to be quite so … explicit. Evidently the idea of modesty is not particularly fashionable on this planet. It isn't…pornography, not really. It isn't a lot of moaning and hard motion and odd positions of moving the women to make them look sexy. It isn't long, not a thirty or forty minute porn extravaganza. But it is enough to make Malcolm squirm in his seat.

The woman is beautiful, her hair bright red and the markings on her body a pink to match. I've learned this is a tell of her natural hair color. The men have similar markings down the center of their chest and backs. They are slender, more slender then human men. They look skinny and their torso's are long compared to ours but they look build that way rather than malnourished. They are very attractive none the less, especially making love to each other. There is a dark haired man and a deep blue haired one. They move together, the images artful and sinfully hot. Sweaty black hair spikes as it splays across the dark blue haired man's back, lips tracing the patterns of color down the other man's neck and down his shoulder blades. I shift myself as he whispers to the other one. The words are probably not usually heard completely, but with them scrawled across the bottom of the screen in English I can't help but squirm myself. It is the most…sinful and yet loving dirty talk I have ever read, and the husky alien tones are doing more than I would have anticipated.

I wake up hard as a rock, precum wetting my boxers as I press into the swell of Jon's ass curved into my front. I get up quickly to take a shower and jack off thinking of Jon's voice telling me those dirty things. Lost in the sensation of hot water and my hand on my skin. For a moment I imagine Malcolm's deep voice and sexy accent saying those words. Telling me he wants me. Telling me he loves me. I come so hard I have to sit down in the shower and let the water rush over me.

I spend the day with the woman. The one with blue hair that I remember flirting with, it must happen later. Her name is Ceri. She is married; to two other women. Evidently this is rather usual for their planet. I ask her if she always preferred women. "Prefer women?" She asks me, head tilting.

"You are married to two women, I…was… I guess.." She turns to me with a soft smile.

"You assume I only sleep with women." She asks again, smile wide with enjoyment of the idea.

"Yes" I said feeling uncomfortable.

She slides ahead peering over her sexy shoulder at me, white lab coat somehow flattering. "We often invite male's to our bed. We simply haven't found one worth marring yet."

The promise and sexuality in her voice is like honey. She is sexy and with a clear innuendo offering me a night in bed with her and her wives. She is beautiful and smart and there is no human man who wouldn't be turned on by that thought. I hope I'm not hard enough for her to notice as I watch her long smooth legs walk away from me. Being so close to Jon and Malcolm is making me hornier than a teenager.

She invites the three of us to dinner with her wives.

I stop by the room to change and let Jon and Malcolm know about the invitation, and that I will likely be in the medical bay taking notes on their equipment setting for Phlox for the next couple hours before dinner, in simple but nice clothes. I change leave in a hurry and remember the padd before getting down the hall. I turn around to get it, catching the door before it shuts. I catch them kissing.

They look good together. They look really good together. They would be good together. I take the padd and leave without a word. They saw me, but they didn't come after me. I don't go to the medical bay. I sit in a large chair on a porch on another floor, looking out on the ocean and the setting sun.

Jon and Malcolm. No wonder they kept waking up curled up to me. They have been sleeping together and I've been between them. Shit I am stupid. I watch the waves roll onto land and I feel them like they are pounding against my heart. Jon and Malcolm. How could neither of them tell me. I'm their friend. I'm Jon's best friend and me and Malcolm have been close. Really close. I close my eyes and lean back heart aching.

Jon. He broke up with me when we launched on Enterprise. He said he couldn't be sleeping with his crew. I guess, he couldn't make an exception for me, but he could for Malcolm. I feel my heart constrict in my chest as I look out on the ocean, beautiful and serine. I thought I was feeling something for both of them, I was just in the way. I close my eyes. How much of a fool have I been in the last four weeks? God. Four weeks. Jon chose Malcolm. Not me. I loved him. I loved him for years after the launch. I loved him. I tried to get over him. I forgave him for ignoring me. I forgave him for not being there when my sister died, he had all of earth to look out for. It didn't matter. I wasn't that for him anymore. Years together, working on the Warp 5 project, sleeping together, and that was all it was to him. God. It hurts. It hurts. I turn on the pad in my hand. My personal log. I hit record and start talking with every intention of deleting it later.

_Jon and Malcolm. They're. They are. I've been an idiot. I've done…stupid stupid things. I thought that it felt right and it was what I wanted but it isn't. They want each other. _

_God, Jon was holding him. Holding him and kissing him, and if it wasn't so hot I would…no…It was hot. They are beautiful together. Their the same kinda smart, they have so much in common. I…how did I not see it? How did I not see that Jon's not givin' me the time a day cause he ain't interested? Jon. God I'd given up on Jon till now. Till the beach when I knew I missed him. Till then I thought maybe…Maybe me and Malcolm. _

_Shit. I'm such an idiot. Of course Malcolm has someone. He had…a string of names in the shuttle pod. None of them were men, and I let that stand in my way and…I missed something. Something big and important and I …I didn't have to push that option away as a man who was straighter than a micro spanner. _I recorded muffled sound of my hands raking over my face. And a string of long, angry hurt curse words. _Fuck you Jonathan archer. Fuck you for holding me like you fucking cared. _Hot tears leak down my cheek but I brush them off and school my voice to something harsh. _Fuck you Malcolm Reed. Fuck you for touching me like you wanted to keep me. _I take a long long breath. _You'll kiss him. Your Armory officer. But not me. You'll kiss him. You'll kiss him like that. Shit. Shit shit. What am I doing?_

The page turns, the text and recording time stamp starting on the top of the page. I make a note to myself that from here down is all Jon knew, but the thought it in my real brain, my present brain which is wracked with pain and I can't hold onto the thought for long.

_This…This… sleeping together…It's not good for any of us. I'm just making things worse. This is beyond wrong and unfair. To them… Doing this was a mistake before it even started and continuing to do it… That will just be pushing to the breaking point and friendship and working relationship. I can't. How can I trust him anymore? How can I look at him and see my friend …when all I see is …shit. Shit shit shit. I wish I could just forget. Forget all of it and put the genie back in the bottle. But I can't. I can't do that. I've already fucked up beyond repair and I'm gonna pay for it some day. Someday far too soon. _

I shut off the padd's recorder and look down at it in my hand. I know what I wanted to say. I'm gonna pay for giving them my heart. Oh god I had fallen in love with the idea of them. Fallen in love with the idea of waking up to them every morning.

I groan in the present and roll onto my back on the floor , I feel blood on my lips, and I reach up to touch the blood from my nose slipping down my face. Shit. I try and get up but my arms slip out from under me as the room spins and I hit the floor hard. I let out a groan as I look up at the comm panel. I should call Doctor Pholox. I was right the first time. I didn't want to know. I didn't want to know I had no chance with Jon. I didn't want to know I'd lost my two best friends. I wish I hadn't remembered.

There is a chime at my door and I wonder if maybe I shouldn't answer. I wonder if maybe I should let it go, pretend I'm not here, but I realize that is stupid. This pain in my head wasn't going to kill me, no matter how much I wish it would end the pain in my chest. I realize too late the debate was futile. I can hardly move much less answer the door. I struggle trying to choke out a word but as a spike of pain races through my head I let out a scream and it is just as effective. I feel the fog griping my head and I curl up, just in time to see the Jon in his sweat clothes and a shocked face rush through the door before it is even fully open. The world goes white as I am pulled hard back into the fog again.

I push myself up on my arms, leaving the observation room for dinner. It's time to be an adult. Dinner is awkward because Jon and Malcolm are having trouble not looking at me. Their eyes are burning into me but I don't want to look at them at all. Ceri has two lovely wives. One is just a supermodel sexy as her and the other is a little more average in size, her hair braided thickly down one shoulder and her swirls on her skin are smaller in scale. The color a deep black that matches her hair and stands out sharply from her pale skin. She sees me eyeing them and touches them self consciously. I give her my most charming smile. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to stare, they are pretty." I watch her blush and I take a sip of my water smiling at her gently.

Ceri leans over to her wife, kissing the trail of small black swirls without shyness to intimacy in public. "I have a very special wife." She tells us, her scientist voice clouded with a deep tone. "the small spots means she is in a genetic minority. Only 5 percent of our population display these markings as they are very recessive. They come with another trait." She peeks up at her wife softly. A request and a shine of pride in her voice. "Would you show them?"

The younger girl blushes and nods to Ceri, seemingly unable to deny her anything. She looks at Jon with a small shy smile and says very softly. "I like your eyes." I watch in amazement as her coloring changes before my eyes. Her hair lightens in a snap, the swirls on her skin glowing before settling to the green hazel color of the Captain's eyes, her long braided hair turning the same green color. "It is an unusual color."

She smiles at their astounded looks and I just smile at her, eyes sparkling. "That was amazin' just…wow…"

She ducks her head at me, biting her lip. "Thank you Commander."

"No. Thank you" I say smiling wider. "for sharing that with us."

She looks at her wife quickly, eyes asking for permission for something and with a quick laugh Ceri whispers a quick "Of course"

She turns to me and licks her lips nervously. "Commander Tucker, would…you dance with me?"

I feel myself laugh a little at her request and she misinterprets just a little. "Trip. My friends call me Trip …and I would love to dance with you." I stand smoothly, not missing the slightly icy shoulder of Malcolm to my right as I reach out to take the smaller woman's hand.

"Then you may call me Lila." She says softly as I guide her to the dance floor and gently take her in my arms as I would a human woman. She tenses blushes brightly and I step back with a laugh immediately.

"I'm sorry," I confess, and I know I'm blushing brightly myself. I'm a little surprised by her reaction considering their ease in showing affection. I guess that doesn't go for strangers. "I …that is …human dancing. Will you show me how you dance?"

Lila smiles flirtatiously, "I think I might like how human's dance."

I smile back, "Why don't we start with you showing me how you dance and then I will show you how we dance?"

She nods and teaches me how they dance, in a rhythmic move of turns, similar to salsa in the hips but our bodies never touch, only our hands, accept for a few scandalous moments were she spins into me and then immediately out.

The music changes and she walks back to the table leading me by the hand and taking a long sip of water. Jon and Malcolm are watching me and I ignore them. I don't care about their affair right now. I don't care that they don't want me, this woman does. This woman and her _two wives _want me. I look down and Ceri and give her a warm almost dirty smirk as she catches me looking at her wife shapely ass. "Trip. Would you show me a human dance?" She ask me with a sweet smile.

I take her hand as I steel a glance at Jon. He is not pleased with me, but he doesn't have a right to judge. Malcolm has the calm blank face on but his eyes are burning, probably with disgust and disapproval but I don't care. After a month in bed with two men I have feelings for and it going nowhere, I think it is about time I get into a bed that will be warm and welcoming. I lead Ceri out to the floor, admiring her sea foam green dress, tight to her curves and yet surprisingly light and flowing, I imagine it is designed to look beautiful twirling, considering the way they dance. I take her to the floor and smile pulling her close and taking one of her hands in mine, I place one of her hands on my shoulder and then return that hand to her hip, I guide her movements, leading her in a slow dance across the floor.

"Your dancing is very intimate" She tells me. Her hand stroking my neck where the swirling patterns would be if I were a male of her species. "It seems restricted to only two?"

"It is not the only way we dance, but we are almost always close to one another. Many people equate dancing with mating." I smile as I slide my hand up her arm and up the pattern on the side of her neck. "Are these sensitive?" I ask, knowing the answer before she answers from her soft gasp and the way she leans into me.

She lets out a soft laugh and moves with me in a sensual rhythm. "Are you always so horribly flirtatious when fighting with your mates?"

I laugh and shake my head. "No, we're not mates."

"You are not?" She asks softly head tilted in question. "You have been in the same quarters, they look at you constantly, you care about one another, I do not understand."

I shift, muscles tensing and I feel her fingers stroke my neck gently soothing me, it doesn't escape me that she pets where my swirls would be if I were of her species, the touch intended to arouse. "It's complicated"

"Matters of the heart often are." She says with a nod of her head, moving a little closer. "They watch you like jealous lovers, worried you'll find our bed a more attractive offer then theirs."

"Is that an offer?" I ask, sliding easily and dipping her low toward the floor with a smile at her look of surprise, tempted to kiss her, but something was stopping me. Perhaps it was my slightly broken heart.

I lift her back and her face is alight. "Trip Tucker…you are quite a seductive gentleman." She whispers, lips easing toward mine. "isn't this your last night?" She asks, tempted by the thought of me, perhaps she is looking to take advantage of her last opportunity.

Her words do wonders for my self esteem, especially after being so easily cast off by my friends. She touches my neck again stroking the skin and looking in my eyes. "Your eyes are so sad. But…despite your …apparent eagerness and theatrics, you are not interested in coming to bed with me and mine."

I let out a sigh and give her a bitter smile. "Oh no Ceri," I let my hands on her slide to her waist and caress the curves of her body. "I am very interested, but I guess this isn't something I can't bring myself to do in my current…state."

"If you cannot tell me what bothers you, will you let me see behind your eyes?"I watch her look at me with such openness as she leans her lips up to mine. I don't know why but sharing with her, a friend I've known now for two months, one that sees a sensual and intellectual value in me, seems wonderful. I give her a nod of consent and her hand slides around to the base of my head, stroking the short hair there, as she pushes herself up onto her tip toes. Her lips meet mine sweet and soft and I feel a rush through me. She is white fog. White fog in my mind. Shit. Shit. She was in my mind. She put it there. The fog as it swirls around in my mind and her body curves to me in a kiss. It's intimate and I don't notice anything wrong. It feels good, like pleasant bubbly conversation that she fully and completely understands. That is until I feel Jon's hand hard on my arm and he yanks me away. My lips rip off of her's and my body is slack as I fall away from her. I don't know what she was trying to do but I feel like jelly as Jon hauls me up by my arm. I look up and Ceri's wife is gently touching her head. It must have hurt for me to be ripped away from her mind as it obviously hurt me.

I'm on the floor of my quarters, the memories after that moment are the ones that are the most broken. I have to puke and I reach out grabbing a small waste bucked and emptying my stomach into it with the image of Ceri's other wife, Naki wrapped an arm around her apologetically. The memory wavers like ocean water and I feel my stomach heave again, rushing bitterness into my mouth.

I hear Jon scold me for getting drunk enough to insult those women. Now there is yelling. Jon yells for a doctor. Wait, no. That wasn't in my memory. My memory is of Malcolm yelling at me. I stumble back to reality as Jon holds me up and cold water in my shower and it pounds onto me. I wipe my face and lean against him blindly struggling to get out of the way of the cold water but I am unable to move with any comparable force. He holds me tight and pins me against the wall, cold water rushing over me. I hear his voice, in my ear telling me to calm down but I can't because all I hear in my head is an argument I can't remember, yelling and words that no one really means. Then it slams through me, the moment I thought I had fantasized, but it happened. It's a memory. Malcolm grabs my arm and kisses me.

I breath hard into Jon's neck trembling as the cold takes me down. I don't feel nauseous here, and I feel grounded in the cold of the present as the memories roll off me like the water on my back. My heart starts to calm Jon's hands rubbing down the back of my neck and I remember him touching me. I remember him kissing me, touching me, holding me, loving me. I remember that perfect moment but not the whole thing and I know I'll never get it back. As it slams into him asking me a question, in the shuttle, but I don't answer, I tell him I'll answer him later and that I need to think. I don't remember the question because I probably wasn't paying attention. I feel weak as I wrap my fingers around his wet sweats and lean hard on him as the cold water shocks me. I wait as my mind trembles to a stop. There is no more fog that I can feel. There is nothing else. I can remember only bits and pieces of the best sex of my life, and I don't even know what I messed up to make sure it will never happen again.

I peel my cold fingers away from his shirt and give his chest a soft but intelligent shove. I give another and choke out a horse sound "It's over. I'm fine" I lean against the wall, eyes staying closed.

"Your not fine." Jon says, voice hard with anger.

Fuck. Great he's mad at me. I don't even care what for. I shove away into the wall of the shower and slide to the floor arms over my head. "Just leave me alone."

I feel him falter above me, he can tell I'm not in my head anymore but he isn't going to leave me. Then Phlox is there, his commanding voice breaking through the sound of falling water. "Leave me alone."

"No" Jon says, voice hard as he holds my face tight in his hands and forcing me to look at him. "I will not leave you alone. I am here for you whether you like it or not." He hauls me up and out of the shower, the water having disappeared at some point as he lays me out on the bathroom floor and wraps me in towels.

Phlox starts asking me questions but I bat his hypo's away. "It's over. It's done. It's gone." The doctor ran his tricorder over me.

He looks up at Jon and lets out a low breath. "His brain is clean" but Phlox frowns deeply. Reaching down and touching my neck carefully. I jump anyway a reflex to his fingers and push him away with a jerk. He looks at me carefully. "I just want to look at the marks Commander" I struggle to look down and there are claw marks on my neck where I yanked at the shirt around my neck trying to breathe more easily. I didn't notice that I had marked myself.

I cover them self consciously. "Can we do this later?" I curl trying to hide myself against their touch and somewhere I register that I am acting like a wounded animal.

"No Commander," He leans over me. "Your coming to sick bay for observation and I am not leaving you alone." I open my mouth to say something but it's too late when the hypo spray hits me and he knocks me out quick and hard.

-0-

Dr. Phlox flips through the readings on the padd in front of him. Tucker's brain is damaged. The scars will never heal and the memories are gone. He checks the readings again but, aside from elevated adrenaline and fear stimulated chemicals, Trip was fine. Letting out a breath and shifting under the Captain's gaze, the doctor set to answering Archer's question. "His brain is clean. The chemical that was there thirty minutes before I arrived in his quarters was completely gone when I got there. It was burned off at a rate 40 times higher than it's been burning it off for weeks. He got a shock to his system and it was likely traumatic to remember it in such a way. I'm keep him in sickbay for another 24 hours for observation."

The Captain nods. "Are you not telling me something Doctor?" Jon asks, slow and calm in his Captain voice.

"He felt this Captain. The moment I injected him, it would have started. I let him walk out of my sickbay in pain and disoriented. That was my mistake." He looks down at the unconscious Commander. "I should never have thought him out of danger. He could have had massive brain damage." Phlox shook his head obviously disappointed with himself. He lets out a long breath.

Jon nods. "But he didn't, and he's a stubborn bastard, who wanted what he got and tricked you to get it. Trip Tucker has a magnet for trouble, and for the moment he is in one piece. We can only try our best to keep it that way. It's not like you to let someone go when you knew they would need help right away."

The alien shakes his head. "This…was…unlikely…" The Captain doesn't give the doctor any other reassurance than a clap on the shoulder before he moves next to the sleeping Commander. Malcolm is already there holding one hand so Jon takes the other and a seat next to the bed.

-0-

I wake up in a bio bed, one of the most uncomfortable beds in existence, but my hand is warm. I look down to find Malcolm sleeping on my hip, my hand in his. I smile at his sleeping face and resist the urge to touch him, only for a moment. I slide my hand from his loose grip and gently brush back his dark hair from his face. He is peaceful and beautiful when he's asleep. I can't help but smile at him. "No wonder he choose you" I don't realize I whisper my words out loud until I see his eyes open. They are clear and bright and alarmingly awake. He tilts his head as my hand attempts to pull back, instead the dark haired man holds my warm fingers to his face.

"He didn't choose me." Malcolm whispered, turning to kiss my palm in a beautiful display of tenderness. Nudging my thigh softly the smaller compact man rolls me on my side and climbs into bed with me. His body is warm and overwhelming. The silence is awkward as he spoons against me, his nose buried in my neck. "He th…We thought you chose to forget us."

I laugh softly, closing my eyes. He nuzzles my neck. "What's so funny?"

I shrug and laugh harder. "I remember more. I remember recordin' that message, I was hurt…and I was angry …and I was shocked….and it was right after I saw Jon kissing you. _Before we slept together._" His arms squeeze me in the middle harder and he cracks a smile into my neck, he tries hard not to laugh. "You know what isn't funny?" his answer is nothing but a sexy hum in my neck, urging me to tell him gently. "I think I had the best sex of my life, and I can't remember hardly any of it."

We both laugh then, a big, tension breaking laugh and he kisses my skin with dry lips, whispering against my ear in his deep sexy accent. "we'll just have to do it better next time."

I chuckle dropping my head "I can't even remember if you enjoyed it" He feels me tense nervously and gently pushes his hips to meet mine. He's hard in his uniform pants pressing himself into my ass.

"I remember you, even if you only remember Jon." Malcolm whispers, lips on my neck gentle and seductive. Somehow this conversation is so much easier with physical reassurance and no eye contact. "I remember more of you that night then him…"

"Trip" He sits up a little, looking me over with analyzing eyes. "The moment you saw him, you remembered sleeping with him, blushing and" he rolled his eyes down and I get the most horrifying implication I got _hard _when I saw Jon the first time. "you recognized him the moment you saw him. You…didn't look a me at all. I…"

I sit up and kiss him despite the awkward turn involved. Taking those wonderful lips in mine and kissing his tenderly. How do you apologize for something you didn't do on purpose, or even by your own choice. "I didn't remember anything Mal…not my own name, not my sister, not the doctor. I'm so sorry I didn't look at you, but when I woke up you grabbed my hand and I remembered kissing you. In the room, that kiss when you grabbed my hand and I was…embarrassed. I remembered sleeping with you and Jon and what was I supposed to think, other than I'm the biggest slut on the ship? I didn't know what to think. I didn't …know what to do. I am so…so sorry that it hurt you-" He cuts me off kissing me again, slow and delicate.

His hand is like hot honey on my face, and his lips firm and calming on mine, but chaste and careful not to rev me up to much. "Trip, it's okay." He runs his hands through my tussled hair. "We'll fix it." He whispers reassuringly and lays me down. "You rest and be good so Phlox will let you go." He slid out of bed and stood tucking me in carefully.

"When did you get so optimistic?" I ask, a wide easy smile on my face.

He licks his lips and I watch his guard drop as he's about to tell me something important "The morning we left the planet, I woke up to you watching me sleep, just like you did just now, touching my face, except you said 'mornin' darlin' and gave me the sweetest kiss. I thought I could wake up to that every morning for the rest of my life, and then you forgot me." He hushes me with a hand before he could interrupt with another wave of heart wrenched apology. "and all I wanted to do was make you look at me like that again. Even after I thought you choose to forget me I decided I wanted you back. Learning you didn't choose to forget that particular part can give a guy a lot of optimism" He smoothes the light sheets around me. "So Relax"

I lean back and let sleep take me down like a rock into an ocean. Somehow Malcolm's confidence makes me feel better. And even if I don't remember it, I love looking forward to the opportunity of calling the Armory officer of the Enterprise 'darlin'. Possible the best part is knowing he'll enjoy it.

-0-

Phlox discharges me later in the day after more tests than I can shake a stick at and orders me to bed rest with a deep overwhelming frown. He's only letting me out of sickbay because he doesn't have a reason for keeping me. I flop into my bunk with a sigh. It sucks having nothing to do. I peek at my computer across my desk and groan at the thought of recovering sitting around reading logs. Nah, I guess it's about time we clear things up anyway. I blatantly disregard the doctors orders and take the long walk to the starboard side of the ship. I stop by Malcolm's quarter's first and ring the chime but there is no answer. He could be on duty still or he could be off duty working in the armory. I can't judge, I've been guilty of that more times than not. I walk to Jon's quarters next, but before I get them I hear voices, slightly raised through the door. They are arguing and from the sound of it close to the door.

"What are you asking?" Jon snaps and okay, I admit it, I'm a terrible person, because I don't move.

I lean in listening to Malcolm's quieter deep accent. "I'm asking, Jon. When was the first time you slept with Trip?" Jon must of looked confused because Malcolm keeps going. "Because it was obvious you slept with him before, just like it is obvious he is crazy about you, just like it is obvious he had a lot more than one night to remember you by."

"That isn't any of your business." He snaps.

"Why isn't it any of my business, because you don't plan on me being with the two of you for very long? Or at all." Malcolm's voice is harsh and accusing.

There is a long silence. "That is not what I meant Malcolm."

"Then what did you mean. Exactly." He challenges.

Jon whispers something and Malcolm says something softly and I groan that my spying is becoming too difficult to be effective. I hit the chime because this isn't worth anything to stand in a hall and listen to silence. I know they were kissing when Jon opens the door and his lips are pink. "Hey Cap'n, I was just, hoping we could talk. I stopped by Malcolm's and he's not there, but…" I see Malcolm move into my view. His hair is a little ruffled and I don't blame Jon for wanting to sink his fingers into the thick silky blackness. "…I think I found him."

I step inside when Jon moves to the side and smile at his scolding tone. "Didn't the doctor say you had to stay in bed?"

I let myself fall onto Jon's big bed, smiling at the soft surface and stretching out on his smooth cotton sheets. They feel nice. "He didn't specify who's bed." I slide back and make myself comfortable on the headboard. "So. I was thinking maybe we should talk?"

"Yeah…so, What.. . Do you remember?" Jon starts blushing as he sits on his chair, shifting uncomfortably.

I shrug. "There is actually something I think you need to know, but you have to promise that you won't blame yourself."

Jon shifts looking at me with question is his eyes, I pull his chair to the end of the bed and wave him into it. I take a deep breath and continue because I have to. "I remember everything up to a point. The point where whatever happened to me. Happened. It was the Dinner with Ceri and her wives." Jon tenses but nods, looking at me carefully and waiting. "She wasn't kissing me Jon." It dawns on him slowly that there was something a miss and I struggle to explain. "She asked for my permission to look in my head and I gave it to her, it's like the Vulcan mind meld thing, only they do it with mouth to mouth contact." I watch it dawn on Jon that the Captain was the one who yanked me away from her. "Her wife wasn't mad because I kissed her. Her wife was mad because it hurt for her to be yanked out of my head."

I can see the guilt wash over Jon's face as his hand covers his mouth, thick fingers stroking softly against his growing stubble. He looks at me, slightly horrified as he realizes he directly cause the pain that I experienced, and the memory loss. I slide forward on the bed and down to my knees in front of the Archer as he refuses to look up at me. I gently pull his knees apart and push myself between them, pulling down his hand and holding his face in my hands. Part of me has always loved that Jonathan Archer took personal guilt so strong. "Then I remember yelling, and it gets really choppy. I remember Malcolm kissing me, I remember you touching me…I remember, bits and pieces of that night, but I remember an entire month of waking up in bed with you and Malcolm and wishing I'd fallen asleep in your arms." I lean forward kissing him softly. "I can barely remember what happened after that dinner. But of the small amount I do remember, I know I wouldn't trade it in for anything in the world." I gulp and nuzzle his nose softly. "I would go through the memory loss, and the pain of remembering a hundred times over before I let you take those few moments out of my head. Or worse, if you didn't pull me away like the jealous lover she accused you of being."

Jon lets me kiss him. He kisses me back, but he feels reserved and it feels like there is something else. "You didn't say yes."

I let out a laugh and rub my head a little as I stand. "I did say yes actually, I wrote you guys a message that said 'yes' and then instead I shelved it and sent you a message that asked you to breakfast and I haven't the faintest idea what the question was." Jon looks up at me blinking slowly. He doesn't fill in the answer for me so I turn to Malcolm. "Do you know the million dollar question?"

Malcolm has a soft smile on his face as he looks at me not even trying to hide it. "He asked if you wanted to date both of us."

I blink and smirk at the dark haired man before saying with bright wide eyes and "Oh, well, yes then."

He smiles but tilts his head a little seems to think this is his turn to ask a question. "Why didn't you say yes that fast the first time?"

I widen my eyes shrugging my shoulders and stretching an arm over my shoulder to scratch the back of my head nervously. "I don't know…I don't remember. But probably the same reason I made that recording."

"Why was that?" Jon asked, his voice soft but I could hear the hurt in it.

I slide back to sit on the edge of Jon's bed. I glance up at him and then at Malcolm, not sure how much he knows or Jon wants me to tell. But I think it is his business so I say it. I turn to the Armory officer. "I recorded that after, after I saw you two kissing, before we slept together. Jon and I…We dated, before Enterprise launched, but the Cap'n here broke up with me, because he didn't want to date a crew remember." I sighed and shrugged a shoulder. "I tried for a while after that to get him back and I failed miserably. I tried to move on, and I …couldn't. I knew that when we spent time together he didn't…look at me like that anymore. He never regretted his choice." I can't look at Jon so I fix my eyes on Malcolm. "I thought I had accepted that he would never love me because I served under him, and I couldn't make myself wait. That I had moved on. But…when I saw him kiss you. You weren't stealing a kiss. It wasn't a messy first kiss. You had kissed before. More than that it was. I wanted to forget that Jon chose you over me. So I blew off steam talking to myself. I would have deleted it had I remembered to. If you had read more than the last page, you would have heard it all for yourselves." I whisper to Malcolm.

Jon just broke out laughing, his shoulders shaking and his eyes alight. "What?" I don't know the joke but Malcolm is also laughing. I look from one to the other, blinking, waiting for them to tell me before I finally ask. "What is it?" I gulp and swallow down the pain in my chest. They're…laughing at me. I feel the urge to get up and leave and I guess I was wrong about what happened.

Jon laughed "I spent the last two months convincing Malcolm that if you could move on I could move on too."

Malcolm sighs. "You never did though, either of you." Malcolm stands and reaches around looking for something. "So I'll just go…an" I do not let him finish, I do not let him find what he was looking for. In a flash I am on him and kissing him. I surround him and swallow him whole, pouring every bit of passion I can manage into him. Dosing both our fears in a wave of assurance and confidence I'm not sure is really mine to give.

I sink my fingers into the silky hair and I try to memorize the feel of it and I feel more than hear him moan into my mouth. I pull him against my body and break our lips apart to touch his face again like I did this morning. I smile down at him. "I said I wanted to be with _both _of you…remember?"

He in no way needs another invitation as he kisses me this time. Instead he slicks his hands into my hair and runs those same hands down my neck and sides until he reaches the hem of my shirt which he expertly invades, pushing his hands up the expanse of my back and my skin tingles in anticipation, like my flesh remembers what is coming but my brain certainly doesn't. I feel his hands roll in unison up my spine and I let out a low moan. I think I like that. Oh, and then down, soft fingertips tracing my skin like he's touched me forever. What really surprises me is when his lips wanders down my chin and licks across the perfect spot that drives me crazy on my neck. I blink and jump back. "how did you…" It dawns on me that Jon might have shown him but more likely he found it on his own and he remembered where I forgot. "oh…this is gonna be weird isn't it?"

"Or wonderful," He says with a smirk, capturing my lips for a searing kiss as he sits back onto the bed pulling me into the british man's lap.

Jon smiles and shifts awkwardly, waiting and watching our kiss for a long moment before shifting in his chair, I hear him and break the lip lock to look over at the older man, but his eyes are slightly down and his posture is odd. This isn't the first time he's done this before, but it is my first time and his expression isn't inspiring a lot of confidence. I remember watching Malcolm and Jon kiss and it had been erotic and beautiful and I had wanted to watch. I had wanted to watch them until I felt uncomfortable because them together meant I wouldn't be a part of it. Malcolm didn't miss my concern either. His touch soothing strokes on my hip and I watch the two of them look at one another.

"Jon….were you hoping he would let me walk out?" There is no malice or hate in the armory officers voice. It is just a simple moment of honesty that I can feel the tension Malcolm chest turn into a steel plate under my palm, protecting his heart, or maybe just concealing the damage.

Jon is a diplomat and if there is even a hint of hesitation or bullshit in this moment I know that Malcolm isn't going to be okay. But jealousy isn't what is in Jon's face when he looks at them. "No. Absolutely not." He stands. I can see the guilt pouring through him and I regret telling him about the real reason behind my memory. "I think, perhaps, I should give you two some space…"

I feel Malcolm's chest relax a little at the knowledge Jon's doubts are in his own belonging and not Malcolm's. I reach back leaning out, trusting in the armory officers quick reflexes. His hands came around my waist keeping me balanced as I reached out and caught the Captains hand pulling him close. "I said yes to both of you…" I repeated, his free hand comes up to stroke my cheek and chin, a tender touch, and I look up at him. "Lets get one thing straight Old man." Jon smiles at the friendly jab. "We're gonna do this in an equal, loving, indescribably hot way. I've been in love with you…for a while, but I love Malcolm too…an" I feel a spike slice through my head and grab at Malcolm as his arms tighten and he pulls me into his lap, one hand coming up to support my head as quickly as possible.

"Trip!" Comes that sweet deep british accent riddled with panic, Jon already free from my hand is headed to the com panel at the head of he bed.

I choke out some words on autopilot, grabbing for Jon's arm "I'm okay…really…I am" I feel something click into place. Small bits of memory that I want to remember, that my brain is desperately trying to put together without the support of all the wires being connected. "I remember…I said that. I said that same thing…didn't I?"

Jon blinked, looking at Malcolm with an odd searching look before recognition dawned on them both. "You said it during breakfast." Malcolm recalled, letting me hold myself up slowly but still holding me firmly in the brit's possession. "You were talking…about Ceri….and the people on the planet…"

"You said it sounded like something that could be right" Jon added quietly, shifting and settling on the bed. "You said that it was equal…and loving..and by any indication of the groups we meet ...indescribably hot. " Jon recited with a smile, leaning down to draw his nose over Malcolm's clothed shoulder. "You were talking about us. You wanted to say that to us, about us." Jon couldn't help but chuckle. "you were saying yes…"

I smile leaning down against Malcolm's shoulder. "That …sounds like me beating around the bush…" I laugh softly. "I'm sorry that this…"

"Oh stuff it" Malcolm whispers, "Don't you dare apologies for alien mind altering memory loss…it's forgivable"

Jon snorts softly and his hand trails up my back, his palm feeling my warm skin through my shirt. I smile feeling my body sink a little more relaxed. I thought everything was gone but I guess I was wrong. I breathe out, trying to sluff off the feeling of pain lingering in my head and neck. I feel Jon's fingers seek out the tension in my body and rubbing gently with warm fingers. "Think the three of us can fit in this bed?" Jon asks the room.

Malcolm smiles "worth a try" he remarks as he gently pulls my chin up with a leading stroke of one sharply angled finger. He meets his lips with mine, warm and slightly wet, a soft roll of tongue presses against my lips and I loose myself in the feeling of Malcolm. I don't feel any of the lingering pain in my head anymore, not with that warm tongue and his hands firmly on my waist, holding me in the smaller man's lap. His fingers on hot on my skin when he touches under my shirt, pulling slowly at the fabric and exploring my skin. It feels new to me and exhilarating, he's perfect against me.

Jon is suddenly behind me, his hands gentle and his breath warm on my neck. He pulls me up, standing against him and Malcolm follows me up, body rolling flush against mind and I can feel a hard heat stirring against my thigh "What exactly do you remember from that night?" Jon whispers and I let a smirk run over my face.

"Jon, if you want me to talk dirty you could just ask?" I tell him leaning into the smaller man in front of me rather then the Captain.

"Talk dirty to me" Malcolm whispers, his deep voice making goosebumps rise on my skin.

I roll my nose up Malcolm's neck, letting my voice and accent thicken, I make sure to speak loud enough for Jon to hear as I almost whisper into the brit's neck. "I remember straddling you, and you were completely naked, and so beautiful." I slide my hand up his back, returning the favor and holding him closer. Taking an opportunity to slide my other hand down his chest, pulling his zipper down on the way. "I had dreams about you that way. Under me. Your hair spread across the pillow and your chest, and your hand touching me." I slide my hand in his uniform and let my fingers feel his sculpted chest through the thinner shirt. "I dreamed of your sighs, and your breathing, I remember you licking your lips and it was the sexiest thing I've ever seen."

He does it then for me, probably unconsciously, but I moan anyway. It's unbelievably hot. I push the coveralls off his shoulders and push the pants past his hips. I love that Malcolm steps his legs apart a little so his uniform falls easily to the floor, because he just spread his legs for me. I moan a little leaning back and pulling at his shirt and blue undershirt. I need to feel as much of his skin as I can, mostly because I want to know what it felt like.

I feel Jon's arms, circling around me, his hands slowly undressing me from behind and he nibbles on my neck and behind my ear. I love the sensation rushing down my spine. It reminds me of so many memories. I let myself get lost for just a moment in the heaven of this, the feeling of these two beautiful men undressing me. Touching me. Wanting me. Of all people on this ship, me.

I pull Malcolm's wet pink lips to mine and kiss him again, pressing my tongue into his warm mouth and exploring slowly. I pray to god this won't be the last time this will happen but just in case they change their mind in the morning, I struggle to memorize this feeling. Wet, warm and smooth. His silky hair in my fingers, the smoothness of his perfectly trimmed face against mine.

And Jon, I can't forget about Jon. Beautiful, warm Jonathan Archer who is just slightly bigger than me in every way. He is able to envelop me, surround me and fill me with awareness of every inch of my body. He peels my pants off and my shirt and I am not sure when I was down to just skin on skin but suddenly Malcolm's hands are on my bare ass, Jon's are splayed over my stomach and the other on my thigh. I feel a little overwhelmed by the sudden reality of this. My lips are never free, caught between Malcolm's eager tongue and Jon's patent lips I hardly get a chance to breath. They are each pulling me, each of them touching me, guiding me and holding me. My chest feels like there is a brick on it and I battle for air for a moment, before Jon's lips move to my neck to nibble and I feel my knees shake weakly.

There is so much hard skin and pounding blood that I am a little light headed. They are beautiful, warm and feel so good. Malcolm walks slowly backward, pulling me bodily with him with that firm wonderful hand on my ass, pulling me down over him on the bed. He lays back. Perfectly naked and beautiful under me and I get a shiver up my spine from the memory of him under me, just like this not to long ago.

Then his hand is on me, and I realize in that moment just how hard I am. Pulsing and throbbing and breathtakingly hard I feel like I am falling and running and broken all at the same time. "Shit" I whisper and I feel Jon's hands on my back, rolling lower to run his hands over my ass and thighs, stroking slowly because he can tell that I'm driven right to the edge from my breathing and the tightness of my balls. His hands are sure and confident as they remember just the way I like to be touched. He ghost the light touch through the soft skin of my thighs and over the pucker of my hole with deliberate slowness. I am panting and Malcolm stops his sure touch to grip the base of my weeping cock.

I pant hard arms slightly trembling on either side of Malcolm's shoulders as Jon's slick finger pushes into my tight body. It takes a second for that strange feeling to settle in my gut before my body relaxes to the intrusion. I look down at Malcolms bright eyes as they watch me, biting my lip and trying so hard not to come. He smirks and slides his hand down my arousal, dragging the precum from my leaking tip up and down my throbbing cock. I loose the ability to breathe just as Jon's seeking finger angle down and press against the perfect spot inside me. "Fuck" I grunt, eyes closing as the sudden pleasure rockets through me and my hips buck without my knowledge. It feel good, the sudden thrust into Mal's hand and rock back onto Jon's fingers and my brain is buzzing with too much sensation.

Between Malcolms milking hand and Jon's relentless finger I absolutely can't hold on and I feel myself coming all of a sudden, an eruption I can't stop deep in my gut and rushing through me like a wave charged with lightning and pushing me to the edge of sanity for a moment. I loose myself in the feeling of tension exploding and heat rushing through my veins, and rush through air like a bullet train.

I come back to myself slightly collapsed over the man under me, panting for breath. I glance down at the lieutenant's cum covered hand and give him my most charming smirk. He simply chuckles in response and closes his mouth over mine and lets me submit to his hungry kiss in my lazy mouth, still slack from the orgasm which just rocked through me. I don't however get any indication that Jon is just going to let me go, instead he adds another finger in my ass, slick and slightly cold as it spreads me open, brushing forward and driving me crazy, my whole body still a bundle of white hot nerves.

I don't want him to stop though, not when my body is stirring for another round so soon. I can feel heat at the base of my spine spreading down to the base of my stirring arousal, Jon's fingers stroking me perfectly. What I didn't quite expect was the way Malcolm slide his lips to my ear and tugged lightly with his teeth. It's another thing that never fails to get me hard. I feel my whole body shudder under the torture of fingers and lips and tongues and teeth and I absolutely love it.

Malcolm isn't going to stay put though, he slides out from under me, leaving nothing between me and the sheets. In fact his smooth hand gently pushes my shoulders down and insists I slide down. I won't deny I am turned on by the slick feeling of his hand as he slides his messy fingers inside me with Jon's lubed ones. I feel myself breathing a little harder and get lost in how many fingers are inside me, as well as who they belong to.

It isn't long however when I feel Jon sink into the bed in front of me, his long leaking dick offered close to my mouth and I can feel Malcolm's thick cock near my ass, just waiting for my permission. His heated tip pressing against my thigh as I buck my hips back and down, letting the firmness slip between my moist ass cheeks. I want him to fuck me. I want him to fuck me very very much.

Until he does however I reach forward and guide the weeping thickness of my Captain, best friend and once again lover into my mouth. I moan at the taste of him in my mouth. This is the first time I've tasted Jon since we were together years ago and now I can't deny how much I missed that taste. I let myself lick him in long strokes before I whisper. "God you taste so good…"

Jon's warm wide hand slides out and gently strokes my hair, he tugs softly, and smiles down at me. I realize then he wants to see my face when Malcolm slides inside me. I feel it then, the smaller man's hands grip my hips and pull my back as he eases forward. I'm relaxed, incredibly relaxed from just coming, in Malcolm's hand and now he's sliding inside of me, slick with cool lube and throbbing hard. I swear I can feel it, him pulsing inside me in time with his gasping breath against my back. I groan as I feel him pull me up and Jon slides in to help, his lips crashing with my breathless ones and it's all warm slick skin on skin.

We move like that, my cock quickly hardening against Jon's already straining heat as we grind together in the same rolling motion of Malcolm's thrusts. My ass feels so amazingly full, thick and slick and pulsing and throbbing and the sensation is charging up my spine with each thrust. The feeling is warm and thick like honey, pulsing in my blood. Malcolm's breath warms in a rush across my skin, the soft sound of his groans in rhythm with his body that washes over me making me shiver into Jon's kiss. I'm overwhelmed again and completely unprepared when the armory officer angles my hips slightly and drives into that perfect spot.

It's like a white hot knife of pleasure in my spine that sparks my deep moan into Jon's mouth and forces me to stop exploring the older man's body with my hands and just hold on for dear life. I break the kiss and groan a long low cry of something that might be Malcolm's name. Jon smiles as he strokes my face and slides one hand down to stroke me. I begin to pant as Jon's lips work on my neck and ear, and he slides his aching flesh next to mine, he strokes us both together, my body shaking with each stroke from Jon and thrust from Malcolm my skin sweating with a fine sheen on my overheated body. I can't suppress the urge to moan. I reach down griping on the Captain's heat and begin stroking Jon hard and fast. He's far gone, hips lifting and eyes dark as he looks down at us. He watches my hand and his hand and our throbbing cocks rubbing together in a mess of sensation then over my shoulder at Malcolm undoubtedly beautiful driving into me. I feel Malcolm's hand sink in my hair and pull. I arch back kissing his thin warm lips with mine. I feel him speed up, thrusting hard, fast, and wonderfully into the bright perfect spot inside me.

I gasp for air, breaking the lip lock and watch Jon take over for me. The kiss is just as beautiful inches from me as it was from far away. I watch Malcolm's eyes close and feel his body stretch and shake thrusting hard and spilling into me wish a rush of breathless heat. Malcolm's hands move slicking against me sweaty body as he trembles and I stretch to watch his face as he experiences the feeling of coming deep inside me. Malcolm comes back to himself, kissing me again with deep soft languid tongue as he slides out of me and I moan at the feel of his thick wetness dripping down my thigh. I groan at the warm feeling deep inside me and the sensation of being well fucked. Malcolm flops to the bed watching us through pleasure foged eyes.

At the loss of Malcolm's heat inside me I whimper softly and reach down to stop Jon's hand. Instead I crawl higher into his lap and straddle him. I watch my best friend's eyes go wonderfully wide as he realizes what I am about to do. He lets out a long delicious moan as I push myself down on Jon's leaking cock. I'm already wet and stretched from the dark haired man and quickly adjust to the slightly different sensation on Jon inside me. He's not as thick but he's longer and I feel like he's deep enough for me to taste him inside me. It could also be the angle as I arch high on Jon's lap, sinking deep impaling myself on Jon's throbbing heat.

Jon griped my hips hard, "Shit Trip…" his wide hands and strong fingers holding me as his chest shakes with threading breath and guides me as I ride me. He's really close, throbbing inside me, thrusting up to meet me in a desperate and uneven fashion. I reached between us and stroke myself, hard and fast determined to get off with him. I hear him moan just before he captures my lips and I feel him explode deep inside me, I'm not far behind as my body overloads and I feel my body clench hard and spill over my hand with a rush of heated pleasure through my overheated body.

I come back to myself with Jon's arms holding me to rest against his slick hot chest, his cock softening inside me. I struggled to catch my breath as I looked down at Malcolm, the brit's wide smirk watching us with entranced eyes. "You two are gorgeous…"

Jon's chucked softly, his deep voice rumbling against my cheek on his chest. "Pot. Kettle. There is some saying about that."

Malcolm chuckles with a ripple of his well defined glistening chest. I smirk quietly, I could get used to this. I feel my heavy eyes sink shut. I need…I am pretty sure I need to get to sleep, what with the headaches and the sex and the coming and then coming again and the long long months with all that emotional confusions I feel Jon and Malcolm shuffle me till I'm between them, snuggled down on the warm bed, and I feel a hand stroke my cheek and I recognize Malcolm's touch. I have the urge to smile but my lip only twitches up on one side. I feel too good to spoil it now by opening my eyes and saying anything. We've talked enough. Instead I just enjoy the feeling of Jon enveloping me and Malcolm's compact body with such a gentle touch. I am such fool for taking so long.

~~Thanks for reading, please review!

K


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